**Introduction**
The following is a post specifically for those looking into adoption, specifically a private/independent adoption.
No two adoptions are alike, which makes figuring out how to do an
adoption, especially a private adoption, really difficult. In addition, every state
will have different laws. The following is our experience with a private
adoption in the state of Utah.
By no means am I an expert in adoption. But I have benefited from the
knowledge passed on to me by other wonderful adoptive parents, as well as our
own experience, and it is just that I am happy to share with you today. Take it
for what it is worth, but make sure you do plenty of research yourself. As
always, please feel free to contact me or comment below if there is anything I
can to do help.
As you read this post:
“pre-placement” refers to anything that happens before a child is placed
for adoption-
“relinquishment” is the actual process of adoption-
“post-placement” is after adoption-six months-
Essential points in adoption will be outlined in detail according to
category, not chronological order.
A Q&A will follow soon, and hopefully that will answer any lingering
questions.
Private vs. Agency Adoption:
There are two basic types
of adoption, private or agency. As I said in our adoption story post, Mike and
I had always thought about adopting. But based on the superficial research we
had done we always assumed adoption would take years and more money than we had
available. When the time came for our son's adoption, we did it privately. At
that time I looked deeply into adoption, both private and agency, in order to
make sure we were going through the process in the best possible way. There are
pros and cons either way & I highly recommend looking at ALL of
your options when you are considering adoption.
As far as an agency we did look into adopting through LDS Family Services
, so I'll share what we know about that. The costs range from $4000-$10,000
(based on a min of 4000, or 10% of your income up to 10,000), and the rest of
the cost is subsidized by the Church. As with any agency, the child and
placement are determined first by the birth-parent & agency team. Like
other agencies, they screen all applicants. Once you are selected, they assign
a social worker, arrange the pre-placement visits, adoption, and
post-placement. They handle all the paperwork, communication, and coordinate
everything. They have lots of meetings that are free to attend, and lots of
information is available on their website here. The pros of an agency are that they handle the placement, paperwork, and are very structured.
Now onto the private adoption. Private adoption means you hire
a social worker, attorney, and find a child. The cost has the potential to be
both far less and far more, but you have some control over that (I'll explain
that more later). Essentially you handle the legwork. I didn't mind this at
all, as I was involved in every step of the process, and preferred it that way.
It was a lot of work, but at no point did I feel overwhelmed,
or like we were going to miss something critical. Our social workers did an
excellent job of walking us through the process, as did our attorney and his
assistant. If/when we adopt again, we would choose to have a private adoption.
And here is the reason. As far as I am concerned, our birth-mother is and
always will be part of our family. A small part, but a very important part. We
felt part of the adoption process, like we both chose each other. For us, it
was the best fit. The pros of a private adoption is that is is a more customized adoption, more personal, and can be less expensive.
First Things First: The Social Worker
The first step is
finding a social worker. Okay, that doesn't have to be the first step, if you
already have a baby, which was our case. But for the most part, this is the
first step.
Pre-Placement:
Before you can adopt,
you must undergo a pre-placement evaluation. Your social worker will meet with
you, explain the process, give you the necessary paperwork, & collect a
retainer fee. You will need to complete a medical examination, & background
check. There is a lot of paperwork. You and your spouse will
need to analyze your relationship, marriage, parenting style, family
backgrounds, potential risks, stress management.... basically an extensive
review of how you were raised, your existing relationship, and preparation/commitment.
You will need to provide a financial statement, verifying income, debts,
liability, employment, and insurance. You will also need to provide references.
They follow up on every detail. It is not gruesome, and it’s not as bad as
it sounds. But you do need to be thorough. It took a few weeks for us to get
everything ready and scheduled, but it can be expedited in case of
emergency.
Relinquishment:
In the state of Utah,
a baby must be at least 24 hours and one minute after birth
before a mother can relinquish her parental rights. I say "at
least" because there are a few other factors involved. Primarily, the
birth-mother cannot be on any narcotics or any medication that could alter her
decision making. That will all depend on how the birth goes. Obviously that is
for newborns.
The birth-mother will
have documents for her medical history, as well as what she knows of the
father's medical history.
Once the
relinquishment is signed, it is final. Until then, the birth-mother has all
rights and is under no pressure or obligation whatsoever. This is stressful.
But you can get through it.
Post-Placement:
The adoption is not
finalized for 6 months. Technically, once the birth-mother relinquishes her
rights, the adoptive parents are granted conditional rights. If the parents do
not pass the post-placement, the child does not go back to the birth-mother. The
child is in custody of the state.
During the
post-placement period, you will need to submit your child's medical forms to
the social worker. It’s no big deal, when you take your child in for check-ups
they usually give you the print out anyway (height, weight, etc), and they will
gladly give you anything you need. This is just to verify that you are taking
good care of the child.
Misc:
We had two
social workers on our case. The first was recommended to us, and we did all of
our pre-placement home-visits, evaluations, and paperwork with him. He was an
older gentleman, with lots and lots of experience. I really liked working with
him because he had done everything so many times, and was both real &
reassuring- which is exactly what we needed.
When the time came for Beckett's induction, our original social worker had a
potential conflict of schedule so our attorney arranged for an alternate. This social
worker was much younger, almost our age. But he handled the most critical part
of the adoption exactly how we hoped. He was the one who took care of the
relinquishment (as well as the post-placement visits). The relinquishment can
be tricky, and he had to deal with all of the paperwork, the birthmother,
birthmother's parents, us...during high stress times. Potentially, if an
inexperienced social worker made the wrong comment/move at this point, the
birth-mother could change her mind.
If you are in Utah, I would highly recommend either of the social workers we
used. Tom Baxter (tombaxter@broadweave.net)
and Josh Redfern (josh@therhouseadoptions.com).
Their fees were
slightly different, but not by much. All in all, the social work fees cost
$805 (exactly) at the
time of our adoption. That included the pre-placement, background checks,
relinquishment, and post-placement.
The Lawyer:
Again, we went off of
a recommendation when choosing our attorney. We called and started working
with them over the phone a few months before we actually met with them. When I
say “working with them”, I mean, I asked a million questions and worried about
everything and they patiently explained how things work. I worried too much. They
really have no role until right before the adoption.
Our first meeting was
about a month before the induction. We brought the birth-mother, and invited her
to bring a support person (she brought her cousin).
Initially we met with
the legal assistant, signed some papers, and paid our retainer fee. This was
done just between the legal assistant, Mike, and I.
Then we all met with
the attorney. Your lawyer works for you. He/she will explain this to the
birth-mother. It is important for her to understand that she has all parental rights,
and is under no obligation to give the child up for adoption. This is a pretty
simple meeting, which is just fine since your attorney will have a lovely
hourly fee. He answered her questions, and walked us though the process. Short
& sweet.
Finalization:
After you have completed the post-placement evaluation your
social worker will submit all the paperwork to your attorney. At this point you
can schedule a court date. I was really intimidated by this (thanks to too much
Law & Order), but it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought.
We met with the Judge, our attorney by our side. He
submitted and reviewed all of the adoption documents. The judge asked us an
occasional question. Beckett sat happily on our laps throughout the whole
thing, and of course she commented on what a handsome boy he was. It was
formal, but not stressful. At the end she gave us a certificate (it was
personal, not all judges will do this) with her thoughts on adoption, and
congratulating us. She asked us if we wanted to take a picture together. This
was the moment he legally became our son. It was a touch anti-climatic, but the
relief was instant. We finalized our adoption right before Christmas that year. It was the most memorable Christmas of my entire life.
Our total in legal fees was $1871. That included the
retainer, filing fee, and birth certificate fees. The legal fees can vary greatly
depending on who you work with. I’d ask about them in advance. Our legal
assistant was great, and she took care of all the little stuff (the legal
assistant’s hourly fees are considerably less than your attorney’s, so this is
a good thing). Again, I loved our attorney K. Paul MacArthur & his
assistant Angie Winch (angie@mhmlawoffices.com)
and would work with them again in a heartbeat. Paul and his wife have adopted
several children, so he has been through the process which makes him extra
supportive to work with.
The Finances:
With a private
adoption, how you handle the finances is up to you. Birth-mother’s are able to
ask for any reasonable expense including rent, food, clothing, and medical
expenses. You are under no obligation to pay for anything, just as she is under
no obligation to place the child. It’s something you have to work out together.
Most adoptive parents are willing to bend over backwards to build the
relationship, we certainly were. We paid several months of her rent, and assisted
her with food/clothing. Fortunately for us, our birth-mother was on Medicaid,
so all of her medical expenses were covered.
Each state has
different laws on what the adoptive parents are required/allowed to pay (in a
private or agency adoption). In any case, anything
you pay to the birth-mother is considered an act of charity and in no way
obligates her to place her child with you. This is just the tough fact. This is
where an agency adoption may be easier (they handle all of that, and the rules
will be a bit more cut/dry for you).
Tax
Credits:
Basically, until
the adoption is final, all of the benefits/rights are in favor of the
birth-mother. Once the parental rights shift, so do the benefits. It may seem
unfair to pay for an adoption, and risk the birth-mother changing her mind. However,
and this is important, a successful adoption is eligible for a federal tax
credit up to $12,000 (give or take a few hundred depending on the year).
Meaning, our total cost for the adoption was reimbursed entirely. Every penny. As
I understand it, expenses paid for an adoption that was not completed can also
be applied towards a successful adoption.
Keep accurate
records, and save your receipts. You may be audited, we were, and it will be no
problem at all if you have kept everything. It is worth the money to pay for a
good accountant, as there are several adoption credits available. Again, if you
are in Utah County, our accountant was fantastic and made it his personal goal
to get us every possible credit. We went with Jason McMullin, jmcmullin@ljcooper.com, if you need a great accountant.
Last,
But Certainly Not Least:
In my opinion,
the most difficult part of an adoption is finding your child. Whether you are
waiting for an agency placement, or looking yourself, it usually takes a while.
I’m the first to recognize that our adoption experience was exceptional, and I
do not anticipate that it will be that easy next time.
If you are doing
a private adoption, get the word out. Tell EVERYONE you know, and ask them to
tell EVERYONE they know. Have something ready to show potential birth-parents.
Traditionally, adoptive parents have had portfolios, and that may be helpful.
However, most birth-mothers have access to the internet, and a blog or website
is just as accessible for them. Again, just my opinion.
This is the most
important part of an adoption. I wish I could say more on it. It probably feels
overwhelming, and you may think you don’t know anyone who is looking for an
adoptive family. But don’t give up. I have been surprised over the years how
often people know people who are looking. Don’t give up. It may be one of the
hardest things you do. And if you have been struggling with infertility, it
certainly doesn’t seem fair. It isn’t fair. But it will be worth it. The moment
that baby/child is in your arms, I promise it will be worth it.
In some ways I
wish every parent could go through the process of adoption. It requires you to
get ready, and prove it. To think, plan, and prepare. It requires so much
effort. But I think that is part of what makes it so sweet. Your role as mother
will not be one you take for granted. If there was anything I could say to make
it easier, I promise I would. Just know, in the end the difficulties will fade.
The lifetime you have to look forward to, the precious child that will be your
own, will be worth it.
