Cicada Lullaby

There are some things I am still getting used to here in the south. Many of those things are insects, and to be honest I'm not so sure I'll ever get used to them. At least not the cockroaches. I did however fall in love with the twinkling of fireflies in our backyard every evening this summer! And while at first the extraordinarily loud communications of our local katydids drove me nuts, I have grown accustomed to their nighttime racket. 

Anyway, last night I fell asleep to the song of the cicada. Its a beautiful name for a terribly ugly bug. Never in a million years did I think I would find enjoyment in that sound. But last night I did. 

Do you know why? Because Emma fell asleep in less that 5 minutes, and before 8pm last night. My kids have always been good sleepers, especially Beckett. Until I went back to work (which I did one month and five days ago). I wrestled and wrestled with going back to work. Haha, remember this post? Well, right after that I got a job offer. And lets be honest, two years our of school with no work- that was nothing short of a miracle. But if I have learned anything in my life it is that my prayers are always answered. So pray I did. And then I took the job. And then my whole world fell apart, or at least in some ways it felt like it.

I'd be lying if I said it was easy. When I tell people I have gone back to work they say things like "it must be so nice to have adult conversations again", or "I bet you just love using your skills", or "I think its better for you and your kids if you work, you'll be a better mom when you are home". And maybe those things are true. I am a very good nurse, and I worked hard to get there. But the truth is that I have loved being a mom, a stay at home mom, more than I ever could have imagined.

Every single day I miss my kids. And its been 5 weeks. This summer was the happiest I have ever been. I loved every day of our life. I had time with the kids, time to work out and organize our life, time to spend with my hubby at night... I miss Mike. I'm gone on the weekends a lot now. And soon I'll be working nights, and I hate sleeping alone. I've called my mom and sisters crying on occasion, because my heart feels broken into tiny pieces when my kids are sad. And while they really love the sitter we have, they really miss their mom.

For example, last week I was exhausted and trying to get Emma down. She was really getting on my nerves, and although I don't spank my kids I was contemplating it. So I got my fierce voice and sternly told Emma "Do you want me to spank you"! And you know what she said? Through her tears she choked out "Yes. Please spank me. Hold me please. Spank me please. Mommy please hold me". My little 20lb, tear streaked daughter would rather I yell or hit her than be alone. I questioned a lot of things that night. 

I kept telling myself it would get better. 

And then it got worse. Especially for Emma. 

I think Heavenly Father knew I was reaching the brink. I think He knows me very well, and I know He must be aching for Emma too. So last night Mike gave Emma a blessing. And we put her to bed. And then we stood outside her door, holding hands and crying (okay. Emma & I were the ones crying, but it was just because I can't stand to hear her scream "mommy please don't leave me, please hold me, mommy please"). And then we waited. It took only four minutes and seventeen seconds for her to fall asleep last night. Tonight was only one minute, eleven seconds. 

So I went to bed early. I'm nursing a cold, and I'm completely emotionally and physically exhausted from the last few months of our life. We all are. Its been a big adjustment for our whole family. And while I was laying there, I heard the ciada's song. And my daughter and I slept peacefully through the entire night. 

Its a simple thing, sleeping through the night. But sometimes its the little things that mean the most. And last night what meant the most to me was the sound of gentle breathing over the monitor and the lullaby of a horribly creepy bug. Absolute bliss.