A New Year

I think the first mistake I made was asking the wrong question. 

Perhaps I should have asked myself "what do you want to achieve"? Or perhaps, "who do you want to become"? But no. When it came time to consider the hopes and desires I have for the year to come, I asked myself

 "What do I want". 

Not surprisingly, I had quite a list of things I want. Mainly: I want to be home, I want to be rich, and I want to be happier. 

Less surprising, was the fact that of those three main wishes of my heart, only one is within reach. And its the one I want as a gift, not a goal. I'll give you a hint, its the last one. 

Well, then I was really in a predicament. I was all worked up and excited about making this year amazing, and now I was faced with an internal dilemma. Which, lets be honest here, is the hardest kind. In a fight with yourself who wins? Who loses? 

Lets look at what I just did here. I love my job, but I wish it could wait until my kids are older. And if I quit to stay home (my first wish) we will be the opposite of rich (my second wish). If Mike and I both focus on work, pick up extra hours etc, we would never be home. That, is a conundrum if I ever saw one. 

Which leaves me with my final wish. Happiness. Which I have in spades, and yet I find myself wanting more. More and more. How can I have it if I don't get the other things I want? I cannot make myself happy, I can pretend sure, but fake it till you make it is just a facade.  

After weeks of wrestling with my life and realizing the ever true "you can have anything you want, but you can't have it all" I was exhausted and so was Mike (from listening to me). I was so mad that I couldn't make life give me what I want. That no matter how flexible I was going to be I could not find a solution to my conundrum. It just maddens me that I couldn't have what I wanted right now. 

So there I was. Mad. And stuck. Ever been there? Me too. So I had no choice but to work backwards on my New Year's Resolutions. I want to be happier, that's what I am going for this year. Time to ask the right question "what do I need to do/become/be to achieve my goal". Now I was cooking. I was on fire. Focused. It took almost no time to fill a page with ways to be happy, and moments more to turn them into goals. Here are the things that bring happiness to my life and what I'm going to do about them:

*Spending time with Mike--------- Date night twice a month. Alone, out of the house. 

*Time with my kids------Focus on quality, reading, imaginative play, and teaching. Daily. 

*Exercise---------Just do it. 30 min x 5 days/week. (I've been working up to this for months, once a few short months ago I never could have made it. This is a build up goal)

Notice anything? These are nothing fancy. This is just living my life, the way I already know I should. These are just things I need to do MORE of. But I was missing one small but essential piece. 

I'm a Mormon. I LOVE my faith, it is what gets me going, gets me through, and gives me perspective. And while I had my day of questioning, I have long since become unshakable. Nevertheless, sometimes I take for granted how much of a difference my simple faith makes in my daily life. It makes all the difference. So I added one more goal, the key really:

*Read the Book Of Mormon. Every day. (If you are like whaaaaa? Click here.)

Do you want to know how its going? I am home when I am home, because I am at peace. I feel richer, truly, because I remember what is really of value. And I am happier. Already. This isn't a goal that has taken weeks or months for a payoff. It was immediate. 

I definitely asked the wrong question first. But thankfully I course corrected and just checked in to what I believe. I'm pretty lucky, I have a wonderful and blessed life. But if you are anything like me, and your life is great and you were still looking for something, try looking here. Who am I to tell you what will bring you what you want this year. All I know is that if you can't seem to find what you want, or want what you have, its worth a shot. Time and time again I have turned to my faith and been uplifted. My highs and my lows are higher. My joy lasts longer, and my life is peaceful. 

I'm really excited about this year. I can't wait to potty train the kids (for real. soon.), paint our table, make our house a home, go on a cruise with my lover (who, by the way, is also my husband. just to be clear), and, if we are really lucky, get pregnant. Its going to be a great year. 
I can't wait!