Private Adoption 101

**Introduction**

The following is a post specifically for those looking into adoption, specifically a private/independent adoption.

No two adoptions are alike, which makes figuring out how to do an adoption, especially a private adoption, really difficult. In addition, every state will have different laws. The following is our experience with a private adoption in the state of Utah.

By no means am I an expert in adoption. But I have benefited from the knowledge passed on to me by other wonderful adoptive parents, as well as our own experience, and it is just that I am happy to share with you today. Take it for what it is worth, but make sure you do plenty of research yourself. As always, please feel free to contact me or comment below if there is anything I can to do help.

As you read this post:

“pre-placement” refers to anything that happens before a child is placed for adoption-

“relinquishment” is the actual process of adoption-

“post-placement” is after adoption-six months-

Essential points in adoption will be outlined in detail according to category, not chronological order.

A Q&A will follow soon, and hopefully that will answer any lingering questions.

Private vs. Agency Adoption:

There are two basic types of adoption, private or agency. As I said in our adoption story post, Mike and I had always thought about adopting. But based on the superficial research we had done we always assumed adoption would take years and more money than we had available. When the time came for our son's adoption, we did it privately. At that time I looked deeply into adoption, both private and agency, in order to make sure we were going through the process in the best possible way. There are pros and cons either way & I highly recommend looking at ALL of your options when you are considering adoption.

 As far as an agency we did look into adopting through LDS Family Services , so I'll share what we know about that. The costs range from $4000-$10,000 (based on a min of 4000, or 10% of your income up to 10,000), and the rest of the cost is subsidized by the Church. As with any agency, the child and placement are determined first by the birth-parent & agency team. Like other agencies, they screen all applicants. Once you are selected, they assign a social worker, arrange the pre-placement visits, adoption, and post-placement. They handle all the paperwork, communication, and coordinate everything. They have lots of meetings that are free to attend, and lots of information is available on their website here. The pros of an agency are that they handle the placement, paperwork, and are very structured.

Now onto the private adoption. Private adoption means you hire a social worker, attorney, and find a child. The cost has the potential to be both far less and far more, but you have some control over that (I'll explain that more later). Essentially you handle the legwork. I didn't mind this at all, as I was involved in every step of the process, and preferred it that way. It was a lot of work, but at no point did I feel overwhelmed, or like we were going to miss something critical. Our social workers did an excellent job of walking us through the process, as did our attorney and his assistant. If/when we adopt again, we would choose to have a private adoption. And here is the reason. As far as I am concerned, our birth-mother is and always will be part of our family. A small part, but a very important part. We felt part of the adoption process, like we both chose each other. For us, it was the best fit. The pros of a private adoption is that is is a more customized adoption, more personal, and can be less expensive. 

First Things First: The Social Worker

The first step is finding a social worker. Okay, that doesn't have to be the first step, if you already have a baby, which was our case. But for the most part, this is the first step. 

Pre-Placement:

Before you can adopt, you must undergo a pre-placement evaluation. Your social worker will meet with you, explain the process, give you the necessary paperwork, & collect a retainer fee. You will need to complete a medical examination, & background check. There is a lot of paperwork. You and your spouse will need to analyze your relationship, marriage, parenting style, family backgrounds, potential risks, stress management.... basically an extensive review of how you were raised, your existing relationship, and preparation/commitment. You will need to provide a financial statement, verifying income, debts, liability, employment, and insurance. You will also need to provide references. They follow up on every detail. It is not gruesome, and it’s not as bad as it sounds. But you do need to be thorough. It took a few weeks for us to get everything ready and scheduled, but it can be expedited in case of emergency. 

Relinquishment:

In the state of Utah, a baby must be at least 24 hours and one minute after birth before a mother can relinquish her parental rights.  I say "at least" because there are a few other factors involved. Primarily, the birth-mother cannot be on any narcotics or any medication that could alter her decision making. That will all depend on how the birth goes. Obviously that is for newborns.  

The birth-mother will have documents for her medical history, as well as what she knows of the father's medical history. 

Once the relinquishment is signed, it is final. Until then, the birth-mother has all rights and is under no pressure or obligation whatsoever. This is stressful. But you can get through it. 

Post-Placement:

The adoption is not finalized for 6 months. Technically, once the birth-mother relinquishes her rights, the adoptive parents are granted conditional rights. If the parents do not pass the post-placement, the child does not go back to the birth-mother. The child is in custody of the state. 

During the post-placement period, you will need to submit your child's medical forms to the social worker. It’s no big deal, when you take your child in for check-ups they usually give you the print out anyway (height, weight, etc), and they will gladly give you anything you need. This is just to verify that you are taking good care of the child.

Misc:

 We had two social workers on our case. The first was recommended to us, and we did all of our pre-placement home-visits, evaluations, and paperwork with him. He was an older gentleman, with lots and lots of experience. I really liked working with him because he had done everything so many times, and was both real & reassuring- which is exactly what we needed. 

When the time came for Beckett's induction, our original social worker had a potential conflict of schedule so our attorney arranged for an alternate. This social worker was much younger, almost our age. But he handled the most critical part of the adoption exactly how we hoped. He was the one who took care of the relinquishment (as well as the post-placement visits). The relinquishment can be tricky, and he had to deal with all of the paperwork, the birthmother, birthmother's parents, us...during high stress times. Potentially, if an inexperienced social worker made the wrong comment/move at this point, the birth-mother could change her mind. 

If you are in Utah, I would highly recommend either of the social workers we used. Tom Baxter (tombaxter@broadweave.net) and Josh Redfern (josh@therhouseadoptions.com). 

Their fees were slightly different, but not by much. All in all, the social work fees cost  

$805 (exactly) at the time of our adoption. That included the pre-placement, background checks, relinquishment, and post-placement.

  
The Lawyer:

Again, we went off of a recommendation when choosing our attorney. We called and started working with them over the phone a few months before we actually met with them. When I say “working with them”, I mean, I asked a million questions and worried about everything and they patiently explained how things work. I worried too much. They really have no role until right before the adoption.

Our first meeting was about a month before the induction. We brought the birth-mother, and invited her to bring a support person (she brought her cousin).

Initially we met with the legal assistant, signed some papers, and paid our retainer fee. This was done just between the legal assistant, Mike, and I.

Then we all met with the attorney. Your lawyer works for you. He/she will explain this to the birth-mother. It is important for her to understand that she has all parental rights, and is under no obligation to give the child up for adoption. This is a pretty simple meeting, which is just fine since your attorney will have a lovely hourly fee. He answered her questions, and walked us though the process. Short & sweet.

Finalization:

After you have completed the post-placement evaluation your social worker will submit all the paperwork to your attorney. At this point you can schedule a court date. I was really intimidated by this (thanks to too much Law & Order), but it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought.

We met with the Judge, our attorney by our side. He submitted and reviewed all of the adoption documents. The judge asked us an occasional question. Beckett sat happily on our laps throughout the whole thing, and of course she commented on what a handsome boy he was. It was formal, but not stressful. At the end she gave us a certificate (it was personal, not all judges will do this) with her thoughts on adoption, and congratulating us. She asked us if we wanted to take a picture together. This was the moment he legally became our son. It was a touch anti-climatic, but the relief was instant. We finalized our adoption right before Christmas that year. It was the most memorable Christmas of my entire life. 

Our total in legal fees was $1871. That included the retainer, filing fee, and birth certificate fees. The legal fees can vary greatly depending on who you work with. I’d ask about them in advance. Our legal assistant was great, and she took care of all the little stuff (the legal assistant’s hourly fees are considerably less than your attorney’s, so this is a good thing). Again, I loved our attorney K. Paul MacArthur & his assistant Angie Winch (angie@mhmlawoffices.com) and would work with them again in a heartbeat. Paul and his wife have adopted several children, so he has been through the process which makes him extra supportive to work with.

The Finances:

With a private adoption, how you handle the finances is up to you. Birth-mother’s are able to ask for any reasonable expense including rent, food, clothing, and medical expenses. You are under no obligation to pay for anything, just as she is under no obligation to place the child. It’s something you have to work out together. Most adoptive parents are willing to bend over backwards to build the relationship, we certainly were. We paid several months of her rent, and assisted her with food/clothing. Fortunately for us, our birth-mother was on Medicaid, so all of her medical expenses were covered.

Each state has different laws on what the adoptive parents are required/allowed to pay (in a private or agency adoption). In any case, anything you pay to the birth-mother is considered an act of charity and in no way obligates her to place her child with you. This is just the tough fact. This is where an agency adoption may be easier (they handle all of that, and the rules will be a bit more cut/dry for you).

Tax Credits:

Basically, until the adoption is final, all of the benefits/rights are in favor of the birth-mother. Once the parental rights shift, so do the benefits. It may seem unfair to pay for an adoption, and risk the birth-mother changing her mind. However, and this is important, a successful adoption is eligible for a federal tax credit up to $12,000 (give or take a few hundred depending on the year). Meaning, our total cost for the adoption was reimbursed entirely. Every penny. As I understand it, expenses paid for an adoption that was not completed can also be applied towards a successful adoption.

Keep accurate records, and save your receipts. You may be audited, we were, and it will be no problem at all if you have kept everything. It is worth the money to pay for a good accountant, as there are several adoption credits available. Again, if you are in Utah County, our accountant was fantastic and made it his personal goal to get us every possible credit. We went with Jason McMullin,  jmcmullin@ljcooper.com,  if you need a great accountant.

Last, But Certainly Not Least:

In my opinion, the most difficult part of an adoption is finding your child. Whether you are waiting for an agency placement, or looking yourself, it usually takes a while. I’m the first to recognize that our adoption experience was exceptional, and I do not anticipate that it will be that easy next time.

If you are doing a private adoption, get the word out. Tell EVERYONE you know, and ask them to tell EVERYONE they know. Have something ready to show potential birth-parents. Traditionally, adoptive parents have had portfolios, and that may be helpful. However, most birth-mothers have access to the internet, and a blog or website is just as accessible for them. Again, just my opinion.

This is the most important part of an adoption. I wish I could say more on it. It probably feels overwhelming, and you may think you don’t know anyone who is looking for an adoptive family. But don’t give up. I have been surprised over the years how often people know people who are looking. Don’t give up. It may be one of the hardest things you do. And if you have been struggling with infertility, it certainly doesn’t seem fair. It isn’t fair. But it will be worth it. The moment that baby/child is in your arms, I promise it will be worth it.

In some ways I wish every parent could go through the process of adoption. It requires you to get ready, and prove it. To think, plan, and prepare. It requires so much effort. But I think that is part of what makes it so sweet. Your role as mother will not be one you take for granted. If there was anything I could say to make it easier, I promise I would. Just know, in the end the difficulties will fade. The lifetime you have to look forward to, the precious child that will be your own, will be worth it. 

Finalization Day

With the Judge after Finalization