Thin

I can't say that since the dawn of puberty I have known much about what it is like to be thin. Not that I have ever been devastatingly obese, but I have pretty much been on a diet (if not physically, then mentally) since I was about 13. All in the name of being thin. Its just something I really wanted. 
  
Maybe part of the problem is that I was a gangly youth, so I came into adulthood with certain expectations. Maybe part of the problem is that I was an aspiring dancer in a regular teenage body. 
Whatever the reason, I have always admired the thinner, leaner body I can only dream of. 

But lately when I see thin, I have a slightly different reaction. I almost feel aggravated. Not at them, for them. I just want to yell "eat something", "gosh dangit, quit living at the gym". This is totally made up, as most of the time I have no personal insight whatsoever. I'm judging a book by its cover, so to speak. Because "thin" has come to mean something akin to deprivation to me. Weird right?

I can't help it. Perhaps not my body, but my life is thin right now. I've cut the fat and the fun out, added a few extra hours of workouts, and portioned the heck out of my days. And for whatever reason, when I think about my life, it feels thin. And I'll tell you what, if this is what thin is really like- I'm over it.

Thin feels like never enough. Not enough time, laundry never done, always saying no. Always less. Never ever enough. 

Now, lest you think I hate my life, I don't. I am very very grateful for my wonderful husband, and endlessly adorable toddlers. I have a fantastic job, that was (even when I forget) an answer to prayer. The problem is, I want incompatible things. Mike always quotes "You can have anything you want in life, but you can't have it all". While I want to argue it, I have to say its true. I don't buy it, you cannot have it all. Nobody can, nobody does. 

Having always been a stay at home mom, I've always thought it a tad self-serving for women to go back to work with small children at home. Perhaps because we hear things like "income", or "self-fulfillment"and we assume those were primary reasons to resume working. But finding myself on the other side of life these days, I eat my unspoken, judgemental words. While I may have an additional income, it is of necessity not frivolity. While I tell myself, and others, that there is self-fulfillment, I am also desperately missing being home. And while I make no claims to know why women work, I can tell you that the vast majority of women I know and work with, are torn. And when I ask them if its gets better, they offer support and encouragement but the answer is always "no". 

Its unfortunate that thin is in. I hate it. I'm mad. I'm mad at the expectations I have. Wherever they came from, I'm MAD that I feel like I need to work out, and make money, and play educationally with my kids, and make the meals, and DIY my house, and get all of the errands done, keep the house immaculate and be nice. Oh, and squeeze in some service and put on mascara. ARE YOU KIDDING ME WORLD!!! WHO DOES THAT??? THERE ARE ONLY 24 HOURS IN A DAY. No matter where you live, work, or how many kids you have.

I know some awesome women. Most of them have really got a few things down, and no insult to any of them, but none of them are doing it all. Though I have to say, some people are tricky, and it really looks like they can do it all. But who are we trying to impress? Our friend? Who is (if the are like me) frantically trying to tidy up if you are on your way, jump out of her sweats before you catch her, vacuum up the house like her kids don't eat in the living room... 

Maybe its not about thin after all. I don't know, I'm still convinced that thin is overrated. And maybe most of you out there have got this down. But I'll tell you what, I have way to many expectations and they are falling short. And I'm getting tired of it. And in all reality I'm pretty well balanced, and have great support systems, and I'm still feeling a ridiculous amount of pressure. And while I have yet to  figure out where this pressure is coming from, when I do I will karate punch the heck out of it. That will teach it to mess with me.