Dusty Boxes, Waiting Hearts

We are finally weeks away from getting into our new home. We have been busy planning paint, updates, and pinteresting ideas to make our home beautiful. Well. I pinterest. Mike looks patiently at my list of projects and reminds me there are only 24 hours in a day. 

Our home is beautiful. I can't wait to live there. It feels happy, clean, and peaceful. That is thanks to the family that has been there, building memories and raising a home of happy, active kids. Our hope is to keep that same feeling there always. 

The yard is fenced, with a basketball court, playhouse, and soft grass- its a child's dream. I have big plans for the kids rooms and playroom. Its perfect. It's cozy. Its where we plan to be for a long long time. Our kids are so excited. 

Our boxes are packed. We never really unpacked once we left Georgia. They are sitting in storage, waiting to be carefully arranged in our new home. There isn't a whole lot of interior storage space, so anything we don't use daily will be stored in the garage or shed. I'm mentally sorting the boxes now.

I have a beautiful dark wood crib I picked out for Beckett. I already gave Emma's crib to a friend (assuming that we may not ever get lucky enough to have two babies in our home again). But I couldn't bare to part with both. In fact, I have boxes of baby treasures I have been saving over the years. Tiny pajamas, little tubs and toys. Soft blankets, my favorite carseat and stroller... As we were leaving Georgia I couldn't help but peek in these special boxes and pray we would need to pull them out soon. My hopes were high. I could still smell traces of that sweet baby smell as my fingers sifted through the soft baby clothes. 

I can't help but remember bath-times, long nights, and first smiles. Memories rush back, memories held back with the sadness are finally allowed in all their tender power. 

These tiny items hold so many memories of my life's happiness. They are invaluable. Carefully sorted and packed, I cannot bear the thought of burying them in storage among holiday decorations. Imagining these boxes, and my dreams, gathering dust in a dark shed makes me want to cry. Makes me actually cry. 

What really breaks my heart is knowing that my heart is not the only one waiting. Somewhere out there is a mother who is waiting too. We are both waiting for a baby. We are both mothers. We will both be changed forever. I know in my heart that there is a mother and a baby who are waiting for us, just as we are waiting for them. The world is too big, our circles too small- but somehow I know we will find each other. We just might need a little help. But I won't stop looking, because I know somewhere their hearts are waiting too. Waiting for peace, waiting for love. 

So wherever our birth-mother is, and whatever she is going through we are here. We are ready. I am here to help you through what may be the most difficult thing you have ever gone through. You are not alone. I promise I will love our child always, just as you will. Always. 

Bittersweet

The days are getting shorter. Little shadows stretch out long across the grass and leaves. Its fall and there is a chill in the air, but the sun is warm on our skin as we play in the yard. I could be fixing dinner. Or folding the laundry that has been sitting in a basket for two days. I could be finishing a paper. Shopping. Cleaning. The list goes on and on. 

But we stay outside. This is my favorite time of year. And my kids are in what may be my favorite stage ever. We are soaking in every moment. 

There are bedtime secrets. Sword fights. Stories. Endless hide and seek. Naptime. Bathtime. Their cheeks are rosy, eyes bright. Their imaginations and feet run wildly from morning to night. There are moments, daily, that are so tender I have to choke back tears. I'm afraid I'll forget. Forget the silly things they say, how tiny their hands are, how it feels to be their mom. I used to journal daily, but those days have long been pushed aside, giving way to an array of other activities. There are pictures and videos, but I have yet to figure out how to capture the spontaneity, the laughter, the essence of childhood- especially without getting distracted by the internet at my fingertips. I want to stop the clock, and at the very same time cannot wait to see what is coming next. It is bittersweet to watch the days pass.

We are blessed beyond my wildest dreams, and yet the desire for another child is an unrelenting ache. I have so much it feels ungrateful to ask for more- and yet I beg. Our hearts are filled to the brim with love for our family, and yet there is room for a child who's face I dream of. This too is bittersweet. 

I'm not really a fan of chocolate. But I am a fan of The Office. When Mike and I were first married we saved our pennies and wedding money to buy as many seasons as we could. We have watched them over and over. My memories of the Office are all tied up in our first summer together, "sick" days on the couch, and hours of late night cuddling together rocking new babies. But I digress. In the words of Michael Scott "I guess this is what they call a bittersweet moment...That's what I hate bittersweet chocolate. I don't even... what's the point of that? Why not just sweet?".

But here is the thing. The years we spent praying, and waiting for our two tiny miracles have made me ever grateful. I'm not sure I would have treasured every moment this way had it not been so hard won. So while there is a small part of me that just wishes it could be all sweet, all fun, all the time- I don't think I'd be so happy. Isn't that a weird thought? And yet I keep thinking, there is joy in wanting. The wanting makes the having all worthwhile. The bitter is what makes the sweet. 

I guess in this warm sun and cool breeze, listening to the laughter of innocence and childhood, and contemplating life (as I can never quite manage to quiet my mind) I have but one conclusion. There is a God. He knows me, and He loves me. In the crunch of autumn leaves and the kiss of my daughter I cannot help but know He is there. I know it as surely as I know anything. My son's small hand in mine, singing as we walk, I am overwhelmed with love. Both the love received and love given. The words "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." (2 Nephi 2:11) come to my mind. The promise that my family is mine forever cradles my heart with tender hope and empowering protection.

To have truth rooted in my heart brings me immeasurable peace. The craziness of the world, my own personal struggles, the business of life- all slide into perspective as I focus on my faith. It is so simple, my faith. But, everything treasured in my heart tonight are small and simple things. But these small things are my everything. 

A New Year

I think the first mistake I made was asking the wrong question. 

Perhaps I should have asked myself "what do you want to achieve"? Or perhaps, "who do you want to become"? But no. When it came time to consider the hopes and desires I have for the year to come, I asked myself

 "What do I want". 

Not surprisingly, I had quite a list of things I want. Mainly: I want to be home, I want to be rich, and I want to be happier. 

Less surprising, was the fact that of those three main wishes of my heart, only one is within reach. And its the one I want as a gift, not a goal. I'll give you a hint, its the last one. 

Well, then I was really in a predicament. I was all worked up and excited about making this year amazing, and now I was faced with an internal dilemma. Which, lets be honest here, is the hardest kind. In a fight with yourself who wins? Who loses? 

Lets look at what I just did here. I love my job, but I wish it could wait until my kids are older. And if I quit to stay home (my first wish) we will be the opposite of rich (my second wish). If Mike and I both focus on work, pick up extra hours etc, we would never be home. That, is a conundrum if I ever saw one. 

Which leaves me with my final wish. Happiness. Which I have in spades, and yet I find myself wanting more. More and more. How can I have it if I don't get the other things I want? I cannot make myself happy, I can pretend sure, but fake it till you make it is just a facade.  

After weeks of wrestling with my life and realizing the ever true "you can have anything you want, but you can't have it all" I was exhausted and so was Mike (from listening to me). I was so mad that I couldn't make life give me what I want. That no matter how flexible I was going to be I could not find a solution to my conundrum. It just maddens me that I couldn't have what I wanted right now. 

So there I was. Mad. And stuck. Ever been there? Me too. So I had no choice but to work backwards on my New Year's Resolutions. I want to be happier, that's what I am going for this year. Time to ask the right question "what do I need to do/become/be to achieve my goal". Now I was cooking. I was on fire. Focused. It took almost no time to fill a page with ways to be happy, and moments more to turn them into goals. Here are the things that bring happiness to my life and what I'm going to do about them:

*Spending time with Mike--------- Date night twice a month. Alone, out of the house. 

*Time with my kids------Focus on quality, reading, imaginative play, and teaching. Daily. 

*Exercise---------Just do it. 30 min x 5 days/week. (I've been working up to this for months, once a few short months ago I never could have made it. This is a build up goal)

Notice anything? These are nothing fancy. This is just living my life, the way I already know I should. These are just things I need to do MORE of. But I was missing one small but essential piece. 

I'm a Mormon. I LOVE my faith, it is what gets me going, gets me through, and gives me perspective. And while I had my day of questioning, I have long since become unshakable. Nevertheless, sometimes I take for granted how much of a difference my simple faith makes in my daily life. It makes all the difference. So I added one more goal, the key really:

*Read the Book Of Mormon. Every day. (If you are like whaaaaa? Click here.)

Do you want to know how its going? I am home when I am home, because I am at peace. I feel richer, truly, because I remember what is really of value. And I am happier. Already. This isn't a goal that has taken weeks or months for a payoff. It was immediate. 

I definitely asked the wrong question first. But thankfully I course corrected and just checked in to what I believe. I'm pretty lucky, I have a wonderful and blessed life. But if you are anything like me, and your life is great and you were still looking for something, try looking here. Who am I to tell you what will bring you what you want this year. All I know is that if you can't seem to find what you want, or want what you have, its worth a shot. Time and time again I have turned to my faith and been uplifted. My highs and my lows are higher. My joy lasts longer, and my life is peaceful. 

I'm really excited about this year. I can't wait to potty train the kids (for real. soon.), paint our table, make our house a home, go on a cruise with my lover (who, by the way, is also my husband. just to be clear), and, if we are really lucky, get pregnant. Its going to be a great year. 
I can't wait!