Private Adoption 101

**Introduction**

The following is a post specifically for those looking into adoption, specifically a private/independent adoption.

No two adoptions are alike, which makes figuring out how to do an adoption, especially a private adoption, really difficult. In addition, every state will have different laws. The following is our experience with a private adoption in the state of Utah.

By no means am I an expert in adoption. But I have benefited from the knowledge passed on to me by other wonderful adoptive parents, as well as our own experience, and it is just that I am happy to share with you today. Take it for what it is worth, but make sure you do plenty of research yourself. As always, please feel free to contact me or comment below if there is anything I can to do help.

As you read this post:

“pre-placement” refers to anything that happens before a child is placed for adoption-

“relinquishment” is the actual process of adoption-

“post-placement” is after adoption-six months-

Essential points in adoption will be outlined in detail according to category, not chronological order.

A Q&A will follow soon, and hopefully that will answer any lingering questions.

Private vs. Agency Adoption:

There are two basic types of adoption, private or agency. As I said in our adoption story post, Mike and I had always thought about adopting. But based on the superficial research we had done we always assumed adoption would take years and more money than we had available. When the time came for our son's adoption, we did it privately. At that time I looked deeply into adoption, both private and agency, in order to make sure we were going through the process in the best possible way. There are pros and cons either way & I highly recommend looking at ALL of your options when you are considering adoption.

 As far as an agency we did look into adopting through LDS Family Services , so I'll share what we know about that. The costs range from $4000-$10,000 (based on a min of 4000, or 10% of your income up to 10,000), and the rest of the cost is subsidized by the Church. As with any agency, the child and placement are determined first by the birth-parent & agency team. Like other agencies, they screen all applicants. Once you are selected, they assign a social worker, arrange the pre-placement visits, adoption, and post-placement. They handle all the paperwork, communication, and coordinate everything. They have lots of meetings that are free to attend, and lots of information is available on their website here. The pros of an agency are that they handle the placement, paperwork, and are very structured.

Now onto the private adoption. Private adoption means you hire a social worker, attorney, and find a child. The cost has the potential to be both far less and far more, but you have some control over that (I'll explain that more later). Essentially you handle the legwork. I didn't mind this at all, as I was involved in every step of the process, and preferred it that way. It was a lot of work, but at no point did I feel overwhelmed, or like we were going to miss something critical. Our social workers did an excellent job of walking us through the process, as did our attorney and his assistant. If/when we adopt again, we would choose to have a private adoption. And here is the reason. As far as I am concerned, our birth-mother is and always will be part of our family. A small part, but a very important part. We felt part of the adoption process, like we both chose each other. For us, it was the best fit. The pros of a private adoption is that is is a more customized adoption, more personal, and can be less expensive. 

First Things First: The Social Worker

The first step is finding a social worker. Okay, that doesn't have to be the first step, if you already have a baby, which was our case. But for the most part, this is the first step. 

Pre-Placement:

Before you can adopt, you must undergo a pre-placement evaluation. Your social worker will meet with you, explain the process, give you the necessary paperwork, & collect a retainer fee. You will need to complete a medical examination, & background check. There is a lot of paperwork. You and your spouse will need to analyze your relationship, marriage, parenting style, family backgrounds, potential risks, stress management.... basically an extensive review of how you were raised, your existing relationship, and preparation/commitment. You will need to provide a financial statement, verifying income, debts, liability, employment, and insurance. You will also need to provide references. They follow up on every detail. It is not gruesome, and it’s not as bad as it sounds. But you do need to be thorough. It took a few weeks for us to get everything ready and scheduled, but it can be expedited in case of emergency. 

Relinquishment:

In the state of Utah, a baby must be at least 24 hours and one minute after birth before a mother can relinquish her parental rights.  I say "at least" because there are a few other factors involved. Primarily, the birth-mother cannot be on any narcotics or any medication that could alter her decision making. That will all depend on how the birth goes. Obviously that is for newborns.  

The birth-mother will have documents for her medical history, as well as what she knows of the father's medical history. 

Once the relinquishment is signed, it is final. Until then, the birth-mother has all rights and is under no pressure or obligation whatsoever. This is stressful. But you can get through it. 

Post-Placement:

The adoption is not finalized for 6 months. Technically, once the birth-mother relinquishes her rights, the adoptive parents are granted conditional rights. If the parents do not pass the post-placement, the child does not go back to the birth-mother. The child is in custody of the state. 

During the post-placement period, you will need to submit your child's medical forms to the social worker. It’s no big deal, when you take your child in for check-ups they usually give you the print out anyway (height, weight, etc), and they will gladly give you anything you need. This is just to verify that you are taking good care of the child.

Misc:

 We had two social workers on our case. The first was recommended to us, and we did all of our pre-placement home-visits, evaluations, and paperwork with him. He was an older gentleman, with lots and lots of experience. I really liked working with him because he had done everything so many times, and was both real & reassuring- which is exactly what we needed. 

When the time came for Beckett's induction, our original social worker had a potential conflict of schedule so our attorney arranged for an alternate. This social worker was much younger, almost our age. But he handled the most critical part of the adoption exactly how we hoped. He was the one who took care of the relinquishment (as well as the post-placement visits). The relinquishment can be tricky, and he had to deal with all of the paperwork, the birthmother, birthmother's parents, us...during high stress times. Potentially, if an inexperienced social worker made the wrong comment/move at this point, the birth-mother could change her mind. 

If you are in Utah, I would highly recommend either of the social workers we used. Tom Baxter (tombaxter@broadweave.net) and Josh Redfern (josh@therhouseadoptions.com). 

Their fees were slightly different, but not by much. All in all, the social work fees cost  

$805 (exactly) at the time of our adoption. That included the pre-placement, background checks, relinquishment, and post-placement.

  
The Lawyer:

Again, we went off of a recommendation when choosing our attorney. We called and started working with them over the phone a few months before we actually met with them. When I say “working with them”, I mean, I asked a million questions and worried about everything and they patiently explained how things work. I worried too much. They really have no role until right before the adoption.

Our first meeting was about a month before the induction. We brought the birth-mother, and invited her to bring a support person (she brought her cousin).

Initially we met with the legal assistant, signed some papers, and paid our retainer fee. This was done just between the legal assistant, Mike, and I.

Then we all met with the attorney. Your lawyer works for you. He/she will explain this to the birth-mother. It is important for her to understand that she has all parental rights, and is under no obligation to give the child up for adoption. This is a pretty simple meeting, which is just fine since your attorney will have a lovely hourly fee. He answered her questions, and walked us though the process. Short & sweet.

Finalization:

After you have completed the post-placement evaluation your social worker will submit all the paperwork to your attorney. At this point you can schedule a court date. I was really intimidated by this (thanks to too much Law & Order), but it wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought.

We met with the Judge, our attorney by our side. He submitted and reviewed all of the adoption documents. The judge asked us an occasional question. Beckett sat happily on our laps throughout the whole thing, and of course she commented on what a handsome boy he was. It was formal, but not stressful. At the end she gave us a certificate (it was personal, not all judges will do this) with her thoughts on adoption, and congratulating us. She asked us if we wanted to take a picture together. This was the moment he legally became our son. It was a touch anti-climatic, but the relief was instant. We finalized our adoption right before Christmas that year. It was the most memorable Christmas of my entire life. 

Our total in legal fees was $1871. That included the retainer, filing fee, and birth certificate fees. The legal fees can vary greatly depending on who you work with. I’d ask about them in advance. Our legal assistant was great, and she took care of all the little stuff (the legal assistant’s hourly fees are considerably less than your attorney’s, so this is a good thing). Again, I loved our attorney K. Paul MacArthur & his assistant Angie Winch (angie@mhmlawoffices.com) and would work with them again in a heartbeat. Paul and his wife have adopted several children, so he has been through the process which makes him extra supportive to work with.

The Finances:

With a private adoption, how you handle the finances is up to you. Birth-mother’s are able to ask for any reasonable expense including rent, food, clothing, and medical expenses. You are under no obligation to pay for anything, just as she is under no obligation to place the child. It’s something you have to work out together. Most adoptive parents are willing to bend over backwards to build the relationship, we certainly were. We paid several months of her rent, and assisted her with food/clothing. Fortunately for us, our birth-mother was on Medicaid, so all of her medical expenses were covered.

Each state has different laws on what the adoptive parents are required/allowed to pay (in a private or agency adoption). In any case, anything you pay to the birth-mother is considered an act of charity and in no way obligates her to place her child with you. This is just the tough fact. This is where an agency adoption may be easier (they handle all of that, and the rules will be a bit more cut/dry for you).

Tax Credits:

Basically, until the adoption is final, all of the benefits/rights are in favor of the birth-mother. Once the parental rights shift, so do the benefits. It may seem unfair to pay for an adoption, and risk the birth-mother changing her mind. However, and this is important, a successful adoption is eligible for a federal tax credit up to $12,000 (give or take a few hundred depending on the year). Meaning, our total cost for the adoption was reimbursed entirely. Every penny. As I understand it, expenses paid for an adoption that was not completed can also be applied towards a successful adoption.

Keep accurate records, and save your receipts. You may be audited, we were, and it will be no problem at all if you have kept everything. It is worth the money to pay for a good accountant, as there are several adoption credits available. Again, if you are in Utah County, our accountant was fantastic and made it his personal goal to get us every possible credit. We went with Jason McMullin,  jmcmullin@ljcooper.com,  if you need a great accountant.

Last, But Certainly Not Least:

In my opinion, the most difficult part of an adoption is finding your child. Whether you are waiting for an agency placement, or looking yourself, it usually takes a while. I’m the first to recognize that our adoption experience was exceptional, and I do not anticipate that it will be that easy next time.

If you are doing a private adoption, get the word out. Tell EVERYONE you know, and ask them to tell EVERYONE they know. Have something ready to show potential birth-parents. Traditionally, adoptive parents have had portfolios, and that may be helpful. However, most birth-mothers have access to the internet, and a blog or website is just as accessible for them. Again, just my opinion.

This is the most important part of an adoption. I wish I could say more on it. It probably feels overwhelming, and you may think you don’t know anyone who is looking for an adoptive family. But don’t give up. I have been surprised over the years how often people know people who are looking. Don’t give up. It may be one of the hardest things you do. And if you have been struggling with infertility, it certainly doesn’t seem fair. It isn’t fair. But it will be worth it. The moment that baby/child is in your arms, I promise it will be worth it.

In some ways I wish every parent could go through the process of adoption. It requires you to get ready, and prove it. To think, plan, and prepare. It requires so much effort. But I think that is part of what makes it so sweet. Your role as mother will not be one you take for granted. If there was anything I could say to make it easier, I promise I would. Just know, in the end the difficulties will fade. The lifetime you have to look forward to, the precious child that will be your own, will be worth it. 

Finalization Day

With the Judge after Finalization

Who says you can't have it all?

*Caveat – This is a guest post from the man who is today celebrating five amazing years of marriage to the inspirational author of this blog. Now before you take off because it’s not Amielee, please take a minute to read my inside perspective on this incredible wife and mother.  

“You can have anything you want in this life, but you can’t have it all.”

Don’t know who said this or where it came from, but it is one of my favorite sayings.  For example, I want to look like I did when I was playing high school football even though I sit at a desk all day, pretty much eat what I want and only have time to work out a couple nights a week. Not going to happen. I also want to have a happy marriage and be there for my kids all while spending my nights at the ballpark. Definitely not going to happen. Life is all about give and take; sacrificing something good for something better.

This is the case for most things in life…except when it comes to my wife.

So in honor of our fifth wedding anniversary, here are five reasons (believe me there are a TON more) why I got it all with Amielee:

1.       Just look at her

Is there really anything else that needs to be said? I am married to the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on, and I am as attracted to her today as I was on our wedding day. PERIOD.

2.       Master Homemaker

Since I work in PR, Amielee is always telling me to stop giving her the PR answer and tell it to her straight. Just know my PR antenna is ringing on this point, knowing if I don’t tread lightly it could be taken as offensive to some. Please know I am not a chauvinist pig who wanted a little wife that only cooked, cleaned and took care of my every need.

However, I do love to eat. And Amielee is an AMAZING cook and homemaker.

Growing up I thought I would end up with one of two choices in a wife.  A Barbie-like woman I was very attracted too, but who had no interest in traditional wife activities. Or, someone I wasn’t as attracted too, but who had a head on her shoulders and would take good care of me.  I didn’t think I could have both…but I do! (though I don’t know how Amielee will feel about me calling her Barbie-like)

I tell Amielee if she wasn’t such a good cook I wouldn’t be fat.  She went to Ohio to visit her sister for a week earlier this year, and I think I lost 5 pounds. No Joke. But I’ll take the extra pounds and the nightly post-dinner dish duty in a heartbeat for the delicious meals I am privy to every night.

However, the homemaking skills go far beyond the kitchen.  The feeling in our home is dictated by Amielee, and I so appreciate the way she has turned our home into a safe haven from the world that I can’t wait to get back to every night.

3.       Inspiring

Amielee is one of the most driven and inspiring people I have ever met. You all see it in her blog posts.  I see it in person every day. In fact, she is so driven that her mom would tell her that she needed to find a husband that would be equally yoked and help evenly pull the carriage. Well, compared to her I’m the poor mule dragging behind the cart as the Thoroughbred gallops away.

But, I’m also the mule trying desperately to keep up.

Amielee pushes me to be a better man every single day. Whether it’s demonstrating her faith in Christ, becoming the world’s best mom, landing a nursing job two years out of school with no experience or conquering any other endeavor she puts her mind to, she will get it done.  And that inspires me to be the man she deserves.           

Doubt I’ll ever be what she deserves, but you sure as hell better believe I’m going to keep trying to get there.

4.       Super Mom

I said Amielee has a drive to be the world’s best mother…well I think she might have already accomplished that.  Watching her with Beckett and Emma absolutely blows me away. I know she has famously stated that she does not want me to get re-married if anything happens to her, but that won’t be an issue—there will never be someone that could fill her shoes as their mother.

Good thing, because I’ve always wanted kids (depending on the day, wanting more kids than the two we have is another question), and I’ve always wanted them to have a mom who would be home with them and would dedicate her life to being a mother. However, I also very much wanted a wife/mother capable enough to take on the professional world.

Again, another one of those situations I didn’t think I could have both…but I do.

Amielee sacrificed the past two years to be home with our kids. She sacrificed an advanced degree and the leverage of getting a job right after graduation in-order to be super mom.  And now, after a grueling job hunt/interview process (request that she do a post on that…pretty incredible) she will ALSO be super nurse starting in August.  The key word being “also”, because our kids are lucky enough to have a caretaker who is always mom first.    

5.       BFF

Everyone says they are married to their best friend, but how many actually are?

I am.

And how many actually get to be married to a friend they are wildly in love with?

I do.

There is nothing in the world I would rather do than be home with Amielee. We know we’re boring. Guess what…we don’t care. I can spend Friday night watching the same episode of Parks and Rec for the 15^th time and be perfectly happy as long as she’s next to me on that couch. I can honestly say I have never had enough of being around her, but I sure get cranky if I don’t get enough of her.

So…I guess you can have everything you want in this world, but not all of it… unless you are married to my wife.

…then who says you can’t have it all?  

               

Retro Plot Twist- Pregnancy

I know, I know. Pregnant? And I mention it so casually at the very end of yesterday's post? Did I know already? How come I didn't mention it earlier? 

Simply because it was Beckett's story. 

But now I'm going to back up again. Because Emma's story overlaps with Beckett's story. It just how it was meant to be, and I can't wait to tell you all about it! 

I'm backing up all the way to the beginning. February, when Mike & I were trying to decide what to do. I took Clomid (ovulation inducing fertility drug) that month, and the plan was that if I ovulated we were going to do another intrauterine insemination. But here is how things really went down. We found out about Beckett, and lined up everything we needed for his adoption. The very next week we got the green light to do another round of fertility treatments. It was Valentines day. 

When I say Mike & I knew Beckett was supposed to come to our family, I really mean it. It was not a question to us. We never scheduled out treatment. We were busy filling out adoption paperwork, meeting with our social worker. 

It took a few weeks to actually meet with our birth-mom (remember, we'd had to reschedule once?). Mike was already at school, I was preparing to leave too. Normal day. Well, mostly normal. I was rehearsing (out loud) how I would introduce ourselves to Anna. You know, practicing the "meet the birth-mom" chat. Other than that it was a pretty normal day. Until I realized what day it was. THE day. 

For those of you who may not personally have had this experience, I'll tell you about THE day. Its the day your body either decides if its pregnant,the first day you can check. The thing about THE day, is that it holds unbelievable hope. It could mean new life. Well, if you think about it, two new lifes. One for your baby, and a whole new life for you as you become a parent. Its a huge deal. Of course, you can't make it a big deal. At least not until you know. Because otherwise it is a day of dream crushing sadness. THE day. See?

So back to THE day. I'm in the bathroom, doing my hair, when I come to this realization. I'm straightening my hair, talking about how much Mike and I want to adopt and how excited I am to be a mother (for the record, I am home alone. I'm just preparing) when I look over and see my box of pregnancy tests on the counter. This is what jogged my memory. TODAY. My stomach is instantly queasy. I cannot tell you how many times I have been sure, sure, I was pregnant- only to be bitterly disappointed. Despite that fac, I always get a little excited. 

So very casually, I took a test. 

This exact test actually. So say I was completely stunned is an absolute understatement. 

But. I had to be sure. So I took another one. Now I'm two for two. Did I even want to go to class anymore? Was I doing something? I can't exactly account for the next few minutes. There were a million things racing through my mind.







Alright. So I had a LOT going through my mind. At the top of the list was how I was going to tell Mike. I had so many cute ideas. This was pre-pinterest for me, but I had had a lot of time to prepare. It was going to be so awesome. 

Except I was freaking out with excitement. I didn't think I could make it. I was going to school, and by the time I got home Mike would be at work. Could I wait an extra day? No. I could not. I could not wait 10 extra minutes. I called Mike. No answer. But this could not wait. So, I texted him the first picture. The one that very clearly said "pregnant". It took about 5 minutes before he called me back. I think he said something like "are you sure". As though maybe I borrowed someone else's pregnancy test as a joke? But, I cut him some slack, because as I have mentioned, Mike is not huge into surprises. So there you have it, years of waiting and that was the "awesome" and "adorable" way I told Mike we were pregnant. Texting. To this day I am still a little annoyed at myself for doing it that way. Oh well, there is always next time :) Anyway. 

Nope, we don't drink. Its just sparkling white grape juice;)

Here we are celebrating that night. See how happy I am? Can you see how dazed Mike is? I can't tell if I see it just because I know how he was feeling, or if its obvious. I just feel like it's so obvious. 

We were so excited. And so nervous. And so surprised. 






Did you know that roughly 15-20% of confirmed pregnancies end in miscarriage? I did. I knew it was very early. As we looked at our future, the odds were still very high that the adoption would fall through or our pregnancy would end in miscarriage. One? Two? None? Those were all options for how many kids we would have at the end of this. 


I took a pregnancy test every other day for a week. About that time I started having morning sickness, super tender breasts (wow, such fun to blog such words as ovaries and breasts), and fatigue that kept me convinced that I was in fact pregnant so I stopped taking tests. But I still worried.
  
The next few months were a crazy busy blur.We finished our semester strong. We did our home study. I read up on adoption, and pregnancy. Mike was working two jobs, and I picked up as many shifts as I could manage. I went to appointments with our birth mom, terrified somehow she would know I was pregnant and that would change her mind. Once she told me she hoped I would get pregnant soon so he would have someone to play with. I laughed. I laughed so hard she probably thought I was crazy (and lets be honest, the hormone surge and stress of the moment may have rendered me temporarily nuts), and then said something casual like "I hope so too". 

In a moment of utter honestly, I have say it was hard. We had so much going on, emotionally, financially, academically, etc. It took a while for Mike to wrap his head around our pregnancy and get excited. I felt like I was on a secret roller coaster. It was just too early to tell everyone what was going on. I was heartset on our two babies. They would be so close, I daydreamed about how they would be best friends. I was anxiously negotiating Beckett's adoption while trying to hold back constant nausea  Mike was my rock, but have you ever tried talking to a rock? I basically have. 

But to be fair, somebody had to keep it steady. Somebody had to point out that there was nothing we could do about anything at midnight, and that we needed sleep (the "what-ifs" were never ending). Of course at some point I really did just need to calm down and relax. May I just point out, I don't think everything in life is meant to be easy. Having kids is hard. Sometimes getting them here is hard. We signed up for it. And it took both of us to make everything work. But Mike proved himself to be the husband and partner I needed by my side, and I have never doubted him. So yes, it was hard. Not every moment was glamorous, happy, or easy. But I knew he would be there for me, no matter what.  

We finally had an ultrasound at 14 weeks. The greatest part for Mike was knowing it wasn't twins (his absolute worst fear), and for me it was hearing that rapid little heartbeat. I had started to feel movement about that time which was the greatest thing I ever could have imagined. I told my mom (in secret). A week later it was Mother's Day. We made cards containing the ultrasounds pictures of both babies as our way of telling our family we were pregnant. Their reactions were priceless. My sister-in-law literally screamed and jumped out of her chair to hug me! Everyone was so surprised! I can't tell you how much it meant to  have everyone supporting us. Well, actually, I can tell you. It meant everything to me. Beckett's induction was right around the corner and having the wave of love and support behind us going into that is what got me through. That is what it meant to me.

I have to end today by expressing my thanks. I have wonderful friends & family who were there when I confided in them. I had a few really amazing friends who actually threw a little shower for me & B right before he was born. If you are reading this, you know who you are, and you know what you did- and I am still grateful. I am grateful for everyone who supported us. I believe both of these little babies were meant to come to our family, in this time, and in this way. I believe they were heaven sent. And I'm grateful for all those who were our angels along the way. It made all the difference. 

Adoption Part 3: The Longest 24 hours of my life (aka, the longest post I have ever written)

Utah Law is that the birth-mother must have 24 hours and one minute post-delivery before she can relinquish the baby for adoption. 

24 hours and one minute. I've never had a longer day in my life. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets back up to Friday May 13th, 2011. Mike and were home together, cuddling on the couch going through the last things we needed to do before we had a baby. That morning is so very clear to me, though I'm not sure why. Laying there with my head against his chest I distinctly remember listening to his heart. Rhythmic. Steady. Strong. Calming. We were alone, perhaps for the last time in a long time. I heard my phone ring, but I decided to ignore it. Then I had a feeling I better hurry and check it. It was Casey- and Anna was in labor. 

We flew into action. As it turned out, our social worker had something come up and there was a chance he wouldn't be able to be right there at the hospital when we needed him. And when it comes to doing the relinquishment (the official/legal term for the birth mother signing over her parental rights), you don't take chances. So we had some paper work we needed to get sent over to our new social worker asap. 

Overdrive! Shower, breakfast, should we bring some snacks? Pack bags, grab the papers we can fax them on the way, call in from work...Mike was frozen. He looked panicked. Mike is not a huge fan of surprises and this caught us off guard. It was so cute, it really was. I'll never forget the look on his face. I think I just asked him to go start with a shower while I made some calls and wrote out a list (I just love lists). I called Anna, who was at her doctors office. The nurse got on the line to explain that she was having contractions but it did not appear to be active labor. She recommended we wait until Anna progressed further before we drove up, as it wasn't time to go the the hospital yet. 

So all day we waited. Waited for news. Waited for progress. Anna really hoped today would be the day. But it was not to be. I'll tell you what, our house went from clean (really clean actually, I "nested" like crazy the weeks before), to immaculate. Nervous energy drove me crazy as I tried to stay busy that weekend. 

Well a few days later, it was the 18th. Today was for real. And while a false alarm was super disappointing, now we were ready. Especially Mike. Our worst fear going into this is that Anna would change her mind when she held our baby. ("our baby"? yes, we all-even Anna-referred to this baby as "our" baby) Its not uncommon for that to happen. Although, its also not uncommon for birth-mothers to change their minds again weeks or even months later. I didn't know if I could keep myself together if she changed her mind. We worked out our plan. If anything happened, I would slip out as graciously as possible and Mike would take over. Its a crazy feeling. Installing the carseat and packing a diaper bag, while simultaneously discussing how to handle not coming home with a baby. Reflecting back on those gut-wrenching moments I can only be grateful they are past. But its what we had to do. And we were willing to do whatever we had to to bring home our son. 

We called our families to tell them we were on our way. We held hands the whole drive. We listened to our favorite music. There wasn't a whole lot of talking, but that was okay. Mike has a way of saying everything I need to hear, just by holding my hand. 

Anna had to arrive early, about 6am for paperwork and such. We opted to come closer to 10 so she would have time to get settled. Her father and step-mom were there. We had never met her parents before. 

I remember being nervous "meeting the parents" when I was dating. But it was nothing compared to this. I didn't know how they felt about this adoption. I had no idea what they knew about us. I could not have imagined more nerve-wracking conditions to meet them in. 

My heart was racing as we arrived at the hospital. Anna sent her dad down to meet us and take us back to her room. He was short (characteristic of their family, Anna is tiny), friendly, and seemed as nervous as we were. We talked casually, as though we had all done this before (which of course, we had not). Lets call him George. He introduced us to Lucy, his wife. She was also nervous, but incredibly friendly, and so glad to see us. In fact, they both seemed relieved when they met us. Lucy pulled me outside and held me close. "Thank you" she whispered in my ear, "You are the angels we have prayed for". We talked outside for a few more minutes. She told me how worried the family had been, and how grateful she was that we were going to adopt this baby. Grateful to us. I was shocked and humbled. It was us who were grateful, beyond measure. 

The nurses all but ignored us, though we were sure to make sure and introduce ourselves. The hours passed slowly. It was pleasant enough, but of course we were all a bit anxious, and tired (none of us had slept the night before), except for Anna. She seemed completely relaxed. I'll be honest, those hours were a bit of a blur. Her parents ordered pizza around 11, and we all ate together. We talked a lot about their family, their history. Mike and I slipped out later to "get dinner" at Wendy's. Mostly we just needed some fresh air. But we rushed back, determined not to miss anything. 

About 4:30 Anna's water broke. She was progressing beautifully. The staff started preparing for delivery, and the doctor arrived at 4:45. George, Mike, and Anna's boyfriend headed out to the halls to pace. I am forever grateful that Anna wanted me to be there for the birth of our boy. Lucy nudged the nurses, "let he in so she can see, this is his mother", and pulled out her camera. 

*I have to step away from this story for just a minute and talk candidly with you. I'm bawling my eyes out. The birth of your first child is a once in a lifetime experience that changes you forever. I know this is a long post, and I've tried to cut out a lot, but every detail of this day is engraved on my heart. There are just too many things I can't leave out. I've never put it all down in words before and this seems a trivial expression of such a momentous day, but its the best I can do*


Three pushes, and he was out. It was 4:58. A moment later he let out a loud yell. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest when I saw him. He was perfect.  We have a picture of him peeing on the doctor and nurse as they held him up. Not that I need pictures. I remember it perfectly. I was overcome with a rush of love like I had never experienced before. 

Once they did his assessments, they inked his little feet and stamped them on a card for us. They drew a curtain around Anna, and pulled Mike back into the room. The nurse asked if Mike was the adoptive father, and, when he nodded, pulled him close. Before Mike knew what was happening, she stamped a perfect little "footprint tattoo" on his arm. That was the first moment I saw Mike choke up. 

The nurses bundled our little boy up, and took him to Anna. I wanted to cry, "wait, he is mine", but I choked it back. I felt almost desperate to hold him. Fear clutched at my soul as I watched her take him in her arms. I probably bruised Mike's arm I was holding it so tight. 

But Anna seemed surprised. She only glanced at him for a moment before asking nonchalantly "where is the menu, I'm hungry". Lucy, ever mindful of me, swept over and said "let's get this little guy to his mom, honey", and scooped him up. 



He was so beautiful, perfect. He felt so familiar, like we had already met. I love babies in general. But I can tell you, this was different. I had never felt like this before. He quieted instantly in my arms. And we just looked at each other. I was only vaguely aware of people coming and going. I could have stayed lost in that moment. Mike came to my side as soon as they let him back in the room. Watching him with our tiny son in his arms I felt the most complete happiness. 

  

Now the clock started on the 24 hours. We could not tell anyone, even our family, that he was here. We let our social worker know, and made plans. I stayed by our baby's side. Of course everyone held him. But I fed him, I changed every tiny diaper. I was so glad Lucy was there to take care of Anna so I could focus all of my attention on my precious baby. The minutes ticked by slowly. So slowly.  

Her parents left for the night, and we hugged them close and promised to love our son forever. Anna's boyfriend had ducked out earlier (but can you blame him? he wasn't the father, and he seemed a more than a little uncomfortable). Mike stayed for a while, but finally left to spend the night with my grandma, who lived close by. It was just Anna & me for the night. 

We had talked about it. She had asked me to be there. We had a mutual respect for each other, and I had worked hard to earn her trust. I had the pullout couch, you know the one usually reserved for husbands. But it was I who spent the night by her side. I helped her to the bathroom, got an extra pillow for her from the staff. The nurses forgot to give her something for pain, so I made sure they came back to give it to her. I tucked her in for the night. Once I got her settled I turned my attention to our son. "Baby Boy", no last name on his card. Just a room number. He was so small, so helpless. I held him close, and watched Anna sleep. I know Anna is not my daughter, and it was not she that we adopted. But I have always wanted to help her, take care of her. In this moment, more than ever, I ached to undo the heartache life had burdened her with. And for the first time I wrestled with the idea of adoption. 

I knew it would break her heart. I knew she loved him. We both knew she could not take care of him, she could barely take care of herself. But I didn't want to cause her more heartache-and losing a child is a terrible loss. 

I'm not sure I slept much. I just kept staring at my sleeping baby. It was a thoughtful and contemplative night. But by morning, I was filled with peace. 

  

I was excited to see Mike the next morning. He brought up breakfast and Jamba Juice. The second day was the hardest. Anna was expecting all of her family and friends to come. The first visitor was a vulgar, foul, and odorous man in his 50's. They had known each other from a homeless shelter they stayed at together. As I watched him roughly pick up my baby I felt a dragon-like fury. He wasn't gentle at all. When our sweet boy liked his lips, this man roared "don't you stick your tongue out at me you little &$#@($&#...", and I kid you not Mike had to hold me back. Everything inside of me wanted to protect my helpless son and banish this guy. But I bit my tongue and waited for my chance to snatch back my baby. 

The whole day I was guarded. The family was nicer. In fact, I was excited to see Casey and her daughter come. Still, it was hard to see all of Anna's family fall in love with a boy we couldn't even tell our parents about. But thus it was. I was relieved that most of Anna's friends flaked out. Even her boyfriend (who had promised to come first thing) bailed on her (which was ok, because when she called he was completely wasted in front of his xbox). But I could see the disappointment in her eyes. 

To take her mind off of it, I helped her wash and style her hair. She had never had a hair straightener before so I had brought her a spare I had. (lest you think me cheap, under no circumstances were we allowed to give her a gift, in case for legal reasons that be taken as a bribe). I just happened to have a few things I knew she would appreciate, so I brought them. (Who could argue with that?) I smoothed her hair, did her makeup, touched up her nails. I knew she would be going home to a skunk-drunk joke of a boyfriend (he lost any chance of me liking him when he offhandedly told her not to come home until she was ready to "sex up" their apartment, despite needing recovery time),  but I wanted her to feel beautiful, and important. 

Anna had asked the social worker to come by early with papers so that she could fill them out ahead of time. I was anxiously watching the clock all day. By noon, I was dying. George came back around 4 to help her go through everything. They worked on a medical history, and filled out stacks of paperwork. Time slowed even more. The only moments I forgot the time were taking care of my baby. Bath time, feedings. I held him as much as possible, feeling a protective claim that legally I had no right to make. Not yet. 

Finally our social worked came back. He explained everything to Anna & her father. We chatted. Waiting. We were all ready, and finally at 5pm she was able to sign papers. He was ours to take home. I almost felt like running out of the hospital, like it wouldn't be official while we were still standing there all together. We headed to the nursery to get our son. The new shift of nurses were not up to speed on our situation. It was funny to see their faces as I strolled in in my jeans. "Wow, you look great for just having a baby", I let it slide with a smile. For some reason I found it really funny and it was a nice break from the tension of the last day. 

Finally we loaded up the car and pulled away. But we weren't more than 100 feet away when Mike glanced back at the little carseat behind us. And he broke down in tears. He was my rock through all of this, and everything finally hit him all at once. We pulled over and cried together. 

Finally able to call our families, we let them know we were on our way home. Swept up in the most delicious happiness we left as a new little family. We picked up a Papa Murphey's Gourmet Vegetarian pizza (my favorite) on our way home. As we rolled in the drive I pulled out the video camera. We were like giddy kids introducing him to our home. Suddenly everything felt normal. Our family all came by to meet him that night. He was the first grandchild on either side, so yeah, he was an extra big deal. Watching our family tenderly take him in, I was so grateful. I knew that despite our imperfections he would have parents who would love & protect him, and family that would be loyal & spoil him like crazy. We made it. I looked around our beautiful little home and my son, proudly in Mike's arms. Beckett. We could name him now. B, for short. As I took him in my arms that night, I felt my insides lurch. But this time it was not out of anxiety. It was the tiny baby I carried within. Yup, I was pregnant. And our baby was more than excited about B too. 

Adoption Part 2: Two & a half months

* I want to preface my thoughts today with the following: This blog has been a lot of fun for me. It has been an outlet, and a lighthearted place to share my thoughts. And while this experience was incredibly blessed, and had joyous outcomes, by no means was it lighthearted in nature. My heart was raw from the disappointment of childless years. Our finances were tight from the strain of trying. We were busy, both working and in school. Mike and I drew close through our struggles, but they were struggles nonetheless. I am by nature quite open about most things. But I am fiercely protective of my family, and there are just some things that I hold close only to be shared at the right time, and with close friends. There were so many tender experiences as we tried for a child of our own, as we navigated the fragile relationship with our birth-mother, as the adoption of our son pended the agency of another. We have been asked lots of questions, and I'll try to answer them as we go. There are roughly a couple hundred of you who read our blog (which I realize is nothing in the blog world, but it means a lot to us), but I'm uncertain who exactly who you are so I'm hoping to reach those of you who have asked to know more. If I miss your question, feel free to reach me personally or comment at the end.*

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of the wonderful people who are part of our story**

Two & a half months:

At first our only contact with the birth-mom was through her cousin Casey. Casey did a wonderful job of preparing us to meet with Anna, our birth-mom. She gave us some background on Anna's life, and told us about the progress of this pregnancy. 

Our first meeting was highly anticipated. As silly as it sounds, I was worried about every little detail. We only had one chance to make the right impression, and the stakes could not have been higher. What are you supposed to wear? I changed my outfit over and over as I went through possible scenarios in my mind. I had dozens of imaginary interviews, trying to anticipate what she would ask us. As we were ready to walk out the door, Casey called and said Anna was having a rough day, and we should reschedule. Of course we immediately agreed. But I was so worried. The decision to give up a child is probably one of the most difficult anyone can make, and I knew Anna had gone back and forth trying to decide what to do. 

A stressful week of waiting, and we finally got another chance. Mike & I went as "us" as possible. Nothing fancy. Of course we wanted to impress her. But I tried to put myself in her shoes, and we decided the best thing we could do was just to give her the best idea of who we were everyday. I knew she didn't have a lot of money, and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable by being super dressed up, so we came casual. Jeans. It was a Saturday. I remember every detail.  I still have the shirt I wore that day. And I think of that day every time I put it on. 

We met at Casey's house. I was holding on to Mike's hand as tight as I could as we walked to the door. Casey welcomed us into her home with a smile. I liked her instantly, and was grateful she was there. Anna was dressed all in black, and had done her hair and makeup. I can't tell you what was going through her mind in those first moments. I can't tell you what was going through my mind. But as I took her hand our eyes met. There was an unspoken, and indescribable moment as a million things that words could never convey passed between us. This girl could not have been more vulnerable, her swollen belly bulging though clothes that were not meant for maternity. 

And then I looked down. There he was, the most perfect bump I had ever seen. A bump I could not help but wish was my own. He was so close I could have reached him. But he was not mine. Not yet. I was dying to know him, did he move a lot? Did he like music, warm showers? Was he measuring okay? Had his ultrasound looked good? All of this and more passed through my mind. But I just smiled and followed Casey into her living room.

  

We were there for over an hour talking, but it only took a few minutes of Anna's questions before she seemed satisfied. We began talking about when he would arrive. She wanted to know what we would name him. Would we circumcise him? What about school? She asked us each a few questions about ourselves. I can't imagine having been more comfortable than we were, and the time passed quickly. She liked us. The decision was hers entirely. I have no idea what she was looking for, the criteria was all up to her. And somehow we passed. She was going to be our birth-mother. 

She told me when her next doctors appointment would be, and offered to let me come. My heart was so full I felt like I would explode. Of course I would be there, and anything she needed I told her to call me. I didn't know how to take care of my unborn son yet, but I could take care of Anna. And that became my goal for the next 10 weeks. 

Anna was scheduled to be induced on May 18th, at 39 weeks. I went to each appointment with her, picking her up at her apartment. I loved her. I respected her tremendously. She had a hard life. She was bipolar and allergic to lithium, making treatment near impossible. The birth-father was in jail, and had been very abusive. So much so that she had to run, change her number, hide from him. She had been on the streets. Life had been hard on her. 

I took her out to eat, made sure she had food in her fridge. I met her boyfriend, her neighbors, even her grandma. I saw her apartment, tried to make sure she had what she needed. 

We had some moments. She wanted us to name this baby after her father and grandfather. I wanted him to have his own name, and Mike's. She talked about having sleepovers, and taking him to family reunions. I feared she wanted to be his mother when it was convenient for her, and that she wasn't thinking about how this would affect our child. I tried to be gentle, and clear about what our boundaries were. I was afraid she would pull back, but I had to be honest with her. Through the whole thing Mike was my rock. Some days  Anna was all over the place, other days she was calmer. We road it out praying for the best.

Those two and a half months were intense. We told only our families, and a few of our closest friends. I was dying to talk to everyone, this was all new for me. But we guarded the privacy of everyone involved with great care. The expectations were high, our hopes were higher. But adoption is uncertain, and the decision of the birth-mom can change at any time. 

We cautiously prepared a nursery. Buying only essentials. Well, that was the plan. I couldn't help but get a few extra things for this boy I awaited. Mike was nervous when he came home from work saw my excitement and a small stash of baby boy clothes. He was as hopeful as I, but ever protective of me. He worried about if I would be okay if something happened and we did not get this baby. And with good reason. My heart was set, I was no longer objective. I was fully invested, and could not reign in my love for this boy. I dreamed of him. I thought about him all the time. Was Anna eating today? Please tell me she didn't get back on that motorcycle again. I hoped she was drinking or smoking too heavily, though I knew she was at least a little. I wanted to protect him so much. And so it went. As much as possible, Mike took care of me, I took care of Anna, and we waited. 

Adoption Part 1: How it all began

 *Let me start by saying, I know there are those whose experiences with infertility/adoption were far more than what Mike & I have gone through. This is just our story, condensed (for privacy & brevity), and as we lived it.*

    I have always wanted to be a mother. My family means more to me than anything, and I have always been excited to have a family of my own. Then I met Mike. He is my everything, and one of my favorite things about him is that I knew he would be a great dad. Starting a family with him became my life's dream, my most precious ambition.

   Our plan wasn't to have kids right away. But fortunately, Heavenly Father had a way better plan for us than I could ever have imagined. And about sixish months into our marriage we felt prompted to start trying for a little one. In fact, we both knew we were going to have a daughter. Emma. Thinking about her kept me going when it got hard.

    And it did get hard. Every 28 days I got my hopes up. I tracked everything. Every month in my planner I put the due date our baby would have if she came that month. But she didn't come. We tried everything we could afford, and finally after a few years decided to take a break. The strain and pressure was getting to us.

    Mike & I decided to take our struggle to the Temple, hoping to find hope and answers (to learn more about that, click here). In the course of our discussion Mike mentioned adoption. We had always talked about adopting, but way down the road. From what we had looked into, we were years down on the waiting list and it was way out of our price range. So, it was a nice thought, but I was still trying to figure out how to get pregnant.

    A few days later I had a slow day at work. I ended up talking to my supervisor in her office. She had been down the rocky road of infertility without success. She and her husband had a daughter they had adopted, and she shared her experience with me. Then she told me she knew of someone who needed a home for her baby.

   There are only a few times in my life my heart has lit on fire like it did in that moment. I knew. I absolutely knew. I got the number for the birth-mother's cousin, and the name of a social worker and lawyer. That night I talked to Mike. We knew we were going to have a baby.

    Talking to our birth-mothers cousin was nerve racking at first. I had no idea how to go about this. I wanted her to trust me, like me, and recommend me as a potential mother. We put a blog together with pictures and a letter to the birth-mother to help her get to know us. All my fears were pushed aside as she told me about this baby. A boy. I cried. Mike cried. I could not contain my love for this child. It was as real and powerful as any love ever could be.

    By the end of that week we had set everything in place with our social worker and lawyer. Now we were just counting down the days to meet our birth mother, and son.

 
 

The Imperfect Parent

   Parenting is so hard. One of my favorite things about being a mom is how much it has pushed and challenged me. I love talking to other mom's about our kids! Often I am impressed by their ideas, their hard work. I think it is so cute how hard we try to be perfect. Its really sweet. I'm not being sarcastic, I really do think that. And I totally applaud the efforts of dedicated parents. Since I have a pretty harsh intolerance of abusive or neglectful parenting/care-giving, of course I believe it is always of the utmost
 priority to continually strive to improve as parents.

   That said. Inside, I laugh. How often I have caught myself and others agonizing over should-have, could-have's. There is no such thing as the perfect parent. And IF by some miracle you are a perfect parent (trust me, you are not), can you imagine how hard that would be for your kids??

   Let me preface my thoughts today with the following. There is no ideal time to blog. I am always a bit tired, and always have a mile long "to do" list. But sometimes I just get the urge to write, and so I do. By no means do I claim to be at my most articulate at this, or any other time. Sigh. So take my opinion with a good dose of humor and salt and all should go well.

    Moving on. What I mean is this: your kids (as much as you love them) are not perfect. And it is frightening to realize how much they are watching your every move. I think a lot of people are terrified by this, and of course at times I too am flabbergasted. HOWEVER, how wonderful for them that you are imperfect. Because they have the awesome opportunity to watch you screw up and blow it on a daily basis- and if they are really lucky, they will have the opportunity to watch you fix it. And there is no greater teacher than example. (Believe me, they certainly could give a hoot about what you say, no matter how wise or eloquent!)

    Subsequently, when your kids inevitably make mistakes they will know how to handle it. They will know how to say "I'm sorry, I did the wrong thing". I have to apologize pretty often, and to be honest I think I am a pretty dang amazing mom. My kids know how to clean up a mess. They know how to say sorry and give a hug when they blow it. I'm really proud of them for not letting me screw them up. But lets be honest, its not like they were born that way. As an imperfect parent myself, they have watched me fix my mistakes hundreds of times by now!

    I have one other point to make in my case for the imperfect parent. I think my kids are the most adorable, funny, smart, entertaining kids in the whole wide world. I truly do. And if you are a parent, you probably bristle as you think, "cute, sure. but my kids are so much cuter..." and good for you. Every kids deserves parents who think the world of them. And I say the following as a lover of children, no one else thinks your kids are as cute as you do. Which leads me to this. When your fabulous, adorable children push you to the absolute brink of your sanity and you wish for greater patience and kindness remember this. No body thinks your kids are as cute as you do. The world will be much harsher to your tender children, it is better that you are the one to tell them its really annoying when they_____.  Kids do thoughtless  selfish, annoying things (to name a few)! Its a fact. So please, be the one to tell them. If you don't, someone else will (or at the very least your child will be the subject of disapproving glares and conversation).

    To summarize my case of the imperfect parent. 1)There are no perfect parents. But despite what we often think, this is a blessing to our kids. 2) Our kids are not perfect, so it is in their best interest to have up close and real examples from those they love most teaching them that it is okay to make mistakes, and how to fix them. I guess I just really believe that mistakes are part of life, yours as well as your little ones. So work hard, be the best parent you can. But at the end of the day, its not about being perfect. Also at the end of the day, eat ice cream. That's what I'm going to do right now. Not because it makes me a better parent, just because it tastes good and I like it. :)
  Happy Weekend!