Old Dreams, New Eyes

I know I just blogged about this. But I just have too so many thoughts on the subject today. Because today when I woke up, it was official. Over. Done. Which is really hard for me, even though its what I want most.

Remember a little while ago I talked about giving up nursing for my boy...well, I meant every word. But I was also still interviewing for a job. Two years out of school. And with absolutely no experience. I know, I know, I shake my head at myself too. But I had interviews with Children's Healthcare of Atlanta & Gwinnett Medical Center, and I was really excited about them. I though just maybe I could have it all. And I'm all about having it all.

"Having it all". That doesn't even exist. I am no stranger to wanting two things that don't exist together. Just stop by our house on Friday nights and Mike and I are eating ice cream and cuddling on the couch...and Monday night we are doing Insanity trying to work it all off. Sometimes I tell myself if I only have a little ice cream I can still have the body I want...but I've been doing that for, well, decades. And so far it hasn't worked.

Anyway, long story shorter, I didn't get any job offers. I didn't think I would take them, but for some twisted reason I still wanted the choice. Then again, I made my choice, its just been almost two years.

I'm sure my mom told me, I know she was the best example there could have been. But somehow I thought I wouldn't have to give anything up when I had kids. I guess today I just wanted to say, I did. And it is totally worth it. But if you are a mom and have ever wondered what you could have done outside the home, you are not alone. If you think the decision to stay home will be easy, and leave you feeling completely fulfilled, appreciated, and satisfied- I truly hope you have that, but in case you don't- you are not alone. In case there are days you think you are a maid, and a diaper changing machine, and all you do is cook and clean up food...and if ever that seems a little anticlimactic, you are not alone.

By no means do I resent being a mom. I am so grateful to be home every single day. But for today I don't want to pretty it up and say that every day is my wildest dream, because I had a lot of dreams. Some of them just don't fit anymore. And I hope I don't come off as being negative. I just mean to say that it is hard, and that you may have to give things up. And giving things up is not easy, or fun. That's all.

So. Today was the first day of my life that I knew this was it. The old dreams are just that, dreams. And now without having a split focus, and one foot out the door, I find myself looking around with new eyes. This is it! Mike comforted the bitter disappointment of yesterday. Today is new. Our routine hasn't changed. But my mindset has. Today is the first day I don't feel torn, like I am supposed to be in two places at once. Today instead of wondering where I could be, I am making my home with renewed love and appreciation. Surprisingly, it is a relief. And a burden I didn't realize was there, is lifted.

To sum:
Giving up old dreams=hard
Trying to hold on to dreams that don't jive=hard
Dedicating my life to my family & home=hard + liberating

I'm grateful for all of my family & friends who have been/are so wonderful and supportive. I love your comments, and knowing I'm not alone in all of this, so thank you. Here's to a new day, and a new dream!

Ice Fishing

These are my brothers. I have three, and they are seriously the best. They are all rugged, tough, fearless men. And I love them so much. Since these are the boys I grew up with, when I think of "ice fishing" I think of freezing (literally) lakes, drilling a hole, and remaining in this frigid condition for hours. Best case scenario, you get a fish. That's best case scenario. I love my brothers, and I have so many fond memories of things we did growing up, but I cannot honestly say that I ever loved this particular adventure. Of course I may have said I did to try to be the cool sister, but no, in all honesty it was just too cold. And all you get is a fish. And a cold, like the kind that makes your nose run. Such a bummer. Now I'm all grown up, and when I want fish, I just brave the frozen section of Costco or Walmart and buy some. I mean, I still get goosebumps but they don't last very long so its all good.

 








Anyway, that is what I used to think of.  Lately, something new comes to mind. I'm not sure how it all started, but Mike started telling Beckett that the ice chips in his glass were "ice fishies". See below:

Listening to the fishies

Saying "hi" to his ice buddies

Now when I think of ice-fishing, I picture Beckett's little hand fishing around in our glasses trying to "catch a fish". And how he listens intently to hear them say hi. I am crazy about my husband, who the kids absolutely adore. How could they not? He invented ice-fishies. And I can't stop laughing at the delight on Beckett's face at this game. And me and Emma? We are eating (have I mentioned that while she may look like Mike, she is all me), warm, well fed, and loving these boys of ours. If my kids are lucky, their awesome uncles will see to it that they have a proper ice-fishing experience. As for me, I won't trade the memories I have with my brothers for anything. But this new memory will be a treasured addition to my collection of "ice fishing" memories.

Realizing how cold his fish is

How much he loves his ice-fishies!